I know you think you're not one for sentiment; accordingly, we're going to leave that out of this. To tell you the truth, I can't even begin to try and conjure up an emotion when I think of you - you can probably blame yourself for that. You were the one who taught me how not to feel, how to "play it off" and "roll with the punches" (your words). As far as I can tell, these skills have gotten me nowhere.
So now we're back to square one, and the view here is just as clear and empty as it was before. I can see now that your professed "immoralism" is nothing more than a façade - a mask I even tried to wear for a time, in order to be with you. But I had to take it off, I couldn't breath under the sheer weight of inauthenticity...I'll leave it to you to imbibe that kind of lifestyle with whatever value you can.
As a romantic, it's hard for me to discover that my idols are nothing more than gross, feeble human beings; to learn, however, that they're not even human just blows my mind. And I don't mean to insinuate that you were my idol, any more than I want to think you're not a human being - you quite obviously are. It's just hard, to know that you made me believe you'd "overcome," that you were somehow more than just a "human being" - because now I don't think I can ever take you seriously again.
As for me, it's time that I took stock in my Self: improvements are a slow, energy-consuming process, and I can't waste any more energy trying to divine your nature through that mask. You say a lot, for someone who has close to nothing, and I'm done sifting through the shit just to find out that that's all there is.
No comments:
Post a Comment