Sodomy à la mode

You know, as a gay guy I've never really had a problem with fucking someone in the ass. It's often a really enjoyable experience - sometimes on both ends - and "anti-sodomy" people have quite frankly become a joke in recent years. What's so wrong with fucking someone in the ass?

Oh - oh dearest, cock-handling me, and excuses all around. I forgot about the goddamned Liberals. We all know these guys are sensitive people, and we wouldn't want to offend their sensibilities. Let's see what those sensibilities are, because God knows that Liberals can get nasty when Liberals get offended.

For starters, there's things like Enron, or Wall Street. Those are bad words, because they mean a bunch of rich people fucking a bunch of not-so-rich people in their not-so-rich asses. I can understand the case against sodomy there, although I think we have better things to worry about. But let's take Catholics - Catholics is another bad word, because a flock of frocked middle-agers decided that little boys were easy prey - and by "prey" I mean, "fuck-in-the-buttable" - by little boys, I mean "Damn, they're only thirteen." - by "frocked middle-agers" I mean a bunch of weird guys, blessed with dicks that God "told" them never to use. No wonder they took the easy prey...

But now I'm sidetracking, and probably offending the Liberals (are the Conservatives queasy yet?). The point is, if an Enron or a priest or a babysitter fucks someone in the ass, it's wrong and against the law. If a man like myself - with all my own dirty little quirks and quinks and quibbles - if a man like myself actually fucks a person in the ass, it's really cool. It's actually awesome. It's protected by laws and lobbyists and pressure groups. Feminists jump around us and tell us how spectacular we are for doing it. The President himself comes down from his world-rearing perch and kisses us on the cheek - and all I can think is "Fuck. that. shit."

If you want to tell me that having a cock, or a carrot, or a cucumber rammed up your asshole is a pleasurable experience, well hell, I'll listen to what you have to say. I bet it is, and I'd try it if not for my hemorrhoids. But if anyone with a virgin asshole - and by that I mean "anyone who has never been fucked in the ass by a cock or a carrot or cucumber" - if any of them tries to tell me that being fucked in the ass is a horrible thing metaphorically, and a human right when actually done physically (with cock, carrot or cucumber) - well damn. That kind of person has no idea what the hell he's talking about, and shouldn't be talking.

Fucking is part of Life. Being fucked is also part of Life. The ramming of something up somebody's somepart has been an established human practice for millions of years, and our primate predecessors still do it today. But this new thing, this "legislation" - for or against anyone fucking anybody - is stupid, and boring, and pointless: because people will keep fucking each other in the pooper, regardless.

So I have an idea (we'll call it an alternative): let's take all those good intentions and stick them up our asses - or better yet, since I have hemorrhoids, let's stick them up the Liberals' asses, and we'll at least spare me the pain (sorry if you're a Liberal with hemorrhoids). Take your laws against sodomy, and stuff 'em right up. Take your pressure groups in favor of, lube 'em up all slick, and slide 'em right on in. Because the truth of the matter is, people are going to fuck people - in the ass - and they're not going to feel any better or worse about it because of You Self-Righteous Pricks.

And if anyone was wondering, I will fuck you in the ass to prove my point. If you buy me dinner. And snuggle afterwards.